Hello February

...where on Earth did January go??

I'm not sure that I'm ready for my year to go flying by so fast. That being said, I'm excited for what's still to come!

My year has gotten off to a fantastic start. I didn't make resolutions this year, but after this post by Christine Kane, I found myself a word. (: My word for the year was Cleanse. It has so many meanings for me, from clearing out old health issues to getting junk out of my room to clarifying where I want my life to go, that without a doubt--this is my word.

While I keep forgetting about it don't always succeed at keeping it in mind, I've found my life echoing it anyway. I've managed to go to Zumba at least one-three times a week --and I'm definitely noticing when I don't go-- sell my desk (which has made my room look like we're moving again), condense all of my Google accounts onto one, and keep my grades up. I've also gotten hooked on Grey's Anatomy, finished the last two seasons of West Wing...again, and catch up on Downton Abbey. (Honestly, my life doesn't revolve around TV, but these were impressive milestones.)

One of my favorite things this year has been staying in closer contact with my grandparents. I've been emailing back and forth with both sets, as well as calling them fairly regularly. I'm consulting with them for the product for my senior project and it's so exciting. I'm a major history nerd and I "have" to hear these stories. I'm ecstatic.

An aspect of my "Cleansing" for the year has been dealing with some of the unhelpful notions I have floating around in my head. For example, I used to see my heart beat under my shirt, like my shirt would move, and it would really freak me out. I mean...I would have thoughts like "my heart's too strong" and ridiculous stuff like that. Now, I see it and think "oh hey there, buddy. nice to see you're doing your job." Heck yeah, my heart rocks.
Another has been dealing with my own insecurity. During Zumba, it's so hard not to doubt yourself or compare yourself to other people, so I've had to tackle this one (or be miserable during every class...which simply wasn't an option). I've found that if I just watch Ashley teach the steps and sort of...just turn off my brain, or turn it down, I do so much better. It's like I just relax and have fun with it. I'm starting to really learn the steps, so now I have the ability to focus more on how I'm doing. It's been so liberating to feel fully in control of my body now.

January, you were fantastic. February...you're getting off to a rough start, but that's okay; there's time left to beat January redeem yourself.

I need to stop doing these catch-up posts. Someday, I'll figure out how to blog life as I go along. Also, someday, I'll have a camera. I miss pictures.

-b

Bein' Neighborly

Thank you, Google Images. THIS IS NOT MY PLATE. (:

One of my favorite things about Georgia was their license plates. No, I'm not crazy...but they were awesome. and fascinating. As you can see, it's a tradition for the county name to be at the bottom of the plate (please note my pathetic Photoshop job to make this historically accurate ;)). It's a casual thing to let you know where someone's from. You never know who might be a neighbor, a friend, an enemy...or a frenemy. (: Yesterday, when Dad and Maylen were driving home, they noticed a car in front of the house across the street from us with a Georgia plate...from Floyd County (where we lived before). The woman who used to live in the house died a couple months ago, so seeing a car outside her house was weird. Dad...being Dad, went over and beat on their door to see who it was (as in, who can possibly be from Floyd County). It was the woman's nephew, who had inherited the house just cleaning up, seeing what was there, etc. They got to chatting and realized that we had several mutual friends (including my grandparents, haha), so as they were wrapping up, Dad gave the man his number and said "let me know if you need anything/can help in any way/yada-yada-yada".

'Round dinnertime, the man--I'll call him Dr. Jim--called and asked if we knew any good places to eat. We live far enough away from a major town that there really isn't anything good that's also easily accessible, but Dad gave him a few names in town and they hung up. After hanging up, Dad stood there for a minute and said "this isn't right; this isn't the right thing to do" and immediately called Dr. Jim back and asked him to dinner and he immediately accepted. (This isn't unlike my dad; he's given rides to more hitchhikers and fed more homeless people that a lot of folks I know.) (God, please give me a man as understanding, kind and selfless as my daddy.)

We had a fantastic time. Dr. Jim is a fabulous storyteller and he and my dad are exactly the same age (give or take just a few months), so they had a great time "informing the younger generation" about the trends of the 70s. Apparently their two 4th grade classes both watched the same movie on the "impending attack of the killer Africanized bees". There was good food and a lot of laughter. We shared stories about our mutual friends, discussed our old town and just got to know each other. He and his family have lived in Rome for many, many years and I learned so much about the place where we used to live! Not only that, but his kids go to the same private school that I probably would have gone to and Dr. Jim works at the clinic that we used to drive by every day. It was really interesting to realize what a tiny, small world we live in.

My dad was exactly right: it was the perfect thing to do. Dr. Jim told us that he had had McDonald's for the past two meals only because it was the only restaurant in town that he knew how to find and I'm so grateful that we were able to feed him! Not only that, but he appreciated our Indian food! (: Apparently he's a big fan of Indian as well and we compared favorite dishes.

It was a wonderful night and it was even better to be able to help someone out. Dr. Jim told us several times how he hadn't expected help such as that and it made me think, why not? Why isn't that the norm? Honestly, our house is a total mess -- it was beautiful at New Years, but we've been so busy that it's fallen down on the priority list -- but it wasn't even a big deal. We opened our house and our hearts to a stranger and we're all the better for it.

Today, I'm thankful for being able to help out neighbors and friends, as well as being able to make new friends and meet new people. I'm thankful for shared stories, good food and Rome. Although I am beyond happy to be here in North Carolina and wouldn't trade it for the world...I'm really missing my Georgia years.

Feeling nostalgic again. -sigh-

-B

Also, Dad's accent was stronger last night then it's been in years. If that didn't make it all entirely worth it...then I don't know what would have. (:

Perspective

For those of you who haven't heard, my year-long senior project is on Southern Culture and women's role in it. Right now, we're in the phase where I feel like I am living, sleeping, breathing this material. I've learned so much just in the past couple of months alone.

The biggest part I think that I've gained out of this is just what being Southern means to me. It's something that I've always grown up with--my grandfather bought Coke stock in my name while I was still in the hospital, my dad's ancestors helped to settle DeKalb County, my mother's family has only ever been from Alabama. Being Southern has always just been who I am and I don't think that I've ever fully comprehended (is that a word?) how much my heritage has influenced me.

So lately, I've really come to terms with my connection to the South. It's messy and complicated, can feel like a total burden sometimes and can come with some wacky stereotypes. (For the record, yes, you can get married at 14 in Alabama. Also, it seems like the majority of the people drive without licenses and/or proper instruction.) But at the same time, it's beautiful. There's a quiet elegance about the South, particularly during the summer. If you happen to find yourself in a small town during one of those miserably humid days, where even the slightest breath of wind feels like heaven, it's like you can see the ghosts of every single inhabitant of that town meandering through the streets, just like you.

That's what the South is to me. It's shrouded in history and stories and heat that can feel overwhelming at times, but can also be comforting.

I think another thing that's been difficult for me has not only been dealing with my connection to the South, but my family's as well. I feel like my family puts a whole new spin on the word "multi-cultural". My sister's Chinese, my mother swears her taste buds are imported from India and my dad...just likes to try new things. I've never felt like we're the typical Southern family, if there is such a thing -- at least in my immediate family. We eat biscuits, green beans, chili and cornbread like they're going out of style, but there's never been that steel cable anchoring us to this area. My dad grew up in Atlanta, but has never really claimed it as his hometown. The city's changed so much since he lived there that it's not a home for him anymore. I feel like I've always searched for that link--wanted to feel it for him, because there are times when I've felt like I needed that connection, but it's never been there.

So lately, I've explored what my connection is, what it means for me. When I try to picture it, I envision my soul being buried somewhere, in the heart of the deep South and that thought feels like it completes me. I am a product of the South; red Georgia clay and brown grass and I don't think I'll ever be able to deny it.

It's time for bed...but y'all come back now.
~B

Weekend Recap

We're home! Our weekend getaway was absolutely lovely and I'm so relaxed now. It was a giant gathering of a lot of families (I think there were about 7 families there all total) that we're really close to from our homeschooling days, just holed up in a lodge together. It was fun. And loud. And just...fun. I still have the warm fuzzies.

These gatherings are hosted by our local homeschool group and happen about two or three times a year. We're friends with a lot of people in the group, so thankfully, they still let us come. (: I haven't been able to make it to one in a while, because of school and homework and other stuff, but this weekend, the stars aligned! MLK Day, thank you.

I began my latest crochet project while we were there and someday, this:

Will--theoretically--become this:

I can't wait! I don't have pictures from this weekend, since I sold my DSLR and my p&s...isn't exactly functional at the moment. Apparently dropping it in the sand did more damage than I expected. But I had loads of fun and this weekend was not short of adventures, from exploring the dried-up lake at the camp to painting the boys' fingernails to simply curling up in front of the fire and visiting. Also, we saw our first snow! The last night we were there, it really started coming down, so all the kids and some of the adults rushed outside...and back in, for coats and shoes...and then back out! It was incredibly powdery and didn't stick, except in the seriously shady spots, but it was beautiful while it lasted. Now, it's just gotten really cold and confusing the heck outta me; we took our Christmas decorations down right before New Years and now...it feels like Christmas time again!

It was great today to simply have a day to relax. I've done some of my homework, worked a little on my senior project (we've moved into the powerpoint phase and it's so exciting!), done some crafty type things, caught up on [most] of my TV shows and Zumba-ed with my best friend. The Zumba's turning into a regular thing and it's wonderfulll. I've gotten the Wii and tried some other things, but found that I do loads better if I have a scheduled time and place to be.

This week is going to be insane--I can feel it. We're finishing up midterms/tests/projects at school and I have choir twice this week, as well as a bunch of other random things to do. I'm hoping to get started on my latest home-improvement project soon! Last summer, my dad put a wall in the long room that spans the front of our house, splitting the room that my sister and I had previously shared into two rooms. He drywalled it in...and then that's as far as it got (not that I'm at all complaining!). But now I've decided to repaint--the gorgeous blue color that looked amazing on the paint swatch seems to overwhelm my tiny little, doesn't get much sun, room, so I've decided to brighten it up. I'm going to mud and tape the drywall, prime it and then repaint everything else. The color that is currently my ceiling will become the wall color and then I'll paint the ceiling white, to help open it up. I'm stuck on the trim/doors/window seat, but I'm thinking a light gray. Whew, this sounds like a lot of work, but my "reward" will be this amazing bedspread:

Hooray for consistent (or at least some-what regular) blogging! Just taking this one post at a time...

-B

Welcoming 2012

It's been so long since I've posted. Yikes. For months now, part of me has been going "post, post, post!" (in a chant, just like that), but, fantastic procrastinator that I am, that's all that's been happening. Suddenly, we're heading full-speed, jumping in feet first, right into 2012 and I keep having these feelings like "ack! I'm not ready!!".

There is no doubt in my mind that 2012 is going to be a big year. I graduate high school, start college, leave my family, turn 18, and hopefully continue to grow and change as a person. I'm excited, I really am, but as I grow more and more, I realize that change can be really hard for me. I'm definitely a creature of habit, and I like my routines, but something about the thought of things changing just...jumbles me up inside, if that makes sense.

Lately, the "starting college" part has been freaking me out. A lot. All during break, I rushed to get applications in (I'm still not done) because I don't feel like I'm ready. I've been accepted to my dream school, but it's a private school and I'm really having a hard time with that aspect of it. My family isn't monetarily rich and as much as I want and would love to go to my first choice, I'm not sure that I'm ready to start my adult life in debt. That being said, I'm also struggling to commit to UNC or UNC-A, which are my fallbacks. UNC is scaring me off because of its size and UNC-A just doesn't feel right.

I know, that no matter what, as long as I listen to my instincts and follow my gut, that everything will work out exactly as it needs to. I'm in the running for a full-tuition scholarship, after already having received a generous scholarship, from my dream school; I should find out in this month! Keep your fingers crossed for me, please. (: I'm hoping FAFSA will help some and like I said...I know it will work out.

I haven't sat down and done my list of resolutions yet, but that's next on the hit parade (just kidding, it's probably not likely to happen). One of them will be getting this blog back up and going though. I have these great days, or inspirational days, and just...need to type, need to share; when I bottle all of that stuff up, words just like...start jumping out of my head--not kidding. (: When I start college, this will probably turn into a way to chronicle my adventures and keep my family and friends updated. ...I can't wait.

Next This coming weekend (!), Mom, Maylen and I are headed to a camp sesh with some old homeschool friends and I'm so excited. I'm out that Monday, so even in spite of homework, I'm ditching and going with, for the first time in agesss. It's in a cabin, with heat and electricity, which is definitely my idea of hardcore camping. ;) I've suddenly had a bunch of opportunities pop up for the weekend--going to a debate tournament with my best friend, a campaign 101 seminar, a trip to see a local barn, etc.)--but I've stayed firm. It's like the universe is throwing all of these possibilities at me to help me see just how much I need this weekend. It's a chance to get away, de-stress, hang out with a bunch of friends...and then get all the homework that I didn't get done over the weekend finished up on Monday. I went to the library today to return a book...and walked out with about five. I feel like I'm packing for the beach.

So excited, so ready.

xo,
B

Personal Responsibility

I've been trying to come up with a new post for a while...and it just hasn't been flowing. And when I say "it", I mean pretty much anything creative.

Lately, since about spring break up until the point school ended (about two weeks ago), I've been dealing with some health issues. This was a big one for me--a big stopper. I'm not confident enough to talk about it specifically, but this problem was a doozy. It inhibited me in nearly every aspect of my life, to the point where I felt like I couldn't ever hold a job. I felt limited everywhere I turned. But I digress--this is a story for another day.

The point is, now that that's taken care of, I feel like I can begin to focus on other aspects of my life. As I know I've blogged about, a big priority on my list of what I want to focus on next is reclaiming my body. Christa channels her journey to feeling beautiful (in God Loves Ugly) through her rounds with eating disorders and other self-destructive behaviors. My goal is to never dig my hole that deep. So here I am, pouring dirt back in. I'm taking responsibility for myself...or trying to, anyway. I realized I couldn't talk about feeling beautiful, if I didn't feel beautiful. For the most part, most days, I feel pretty good about myself (this fading perm is really doing a number though, geeeeez.), but I can't talk about it if I'm not actively doing something to make it so that I have more and more good days and less and less of the "other kind".

Tonight, I started small: I started drawing the blueprint for my "dream" house that I cobbled together from plans I found on the internet; my "ingredients", if you will. This, I suppose, got my creative mind a-workin'  and I started writing again! Before I knew it, I was 600 words deep and, at the moment, this shows no signs of slowing up. I even reached the point where I had enough to share it with my beautiful best friend (who is going through a fantastic journey of her own). I know that writing resolves some inner turmoil, some inner tornado that makes me crabby and leads to more not-good days if it's not calmed.

On the workout side: I've been failing. Another, probably bigger, aspect of my new personal responsibility plan. I started running when school first got out and lawd, could I tell a difference, even within the first few days! I ran for three weeks and then last week, just...fell off the wagon. I didn't feel like going one day and so I caved. I'd run every day that week and so I gave myself a day of rest. A day turned into two, three, four and now we're on like, day five. This sucks. I can't seem to make myself get back out there and pound some pavement. So after about two days zero-running, I figured I needed to do something, so I did a dance game we got on the Wii and some other workouts, actually targeting areas on my body that running doesn't. Mom and I have also started taking the dogs for walks at night. Starting small. (:

Our French exchange student comes tomorrow! She flies in at 12:30 in the morning, so we're headed down to the big city early for some quality time with the cousins. (:

~B

New Years Resolutions - #1

So four months and 14 days into the new year, I'm making good on my first resolution: loose weight (more accurately: loose fat).

For those of you who don't know (I don't seem to be very good at telling people this), yesterday was my birthday. I got an Amazon gift card from one of my dearest friends and for one of the first times ever: I spent it!
       Little side note: I am a hoarder. I absolutely hoard money; spending it on anything is like pulling teeth for me - I stress out, worry, etc. It's gotten better, but still kinda ridiculous.

I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I'm not even going to lie: I'm pretty much terrified. I did a lot of research and looked at several different programs, including DVDs and games for our Wii, but all signs drew me to this.

I've never really done a program like this before. I fell into riding, almost on accident it seemed, so it wasn't a conscious decision. I ran with my dad for a little while (meaning <two months), but then I got shin splints and decided I hated it. Any attempt other than those two, which really stick out to me, have been half-hearted, on-my-own, work-out-when-I-don't-have-anything-else-to-do type things.

This is a commitment. It's a commitment to myself and to my body. I got it because I decided that I really need something that will absolutely kick me in the butt/shins/wherever I need it to in order to get me going.

I decided that I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling out of shape and gross and whatever other emotion I feel when I look at my body. I don't want to have to look at pictures of myself and end up comparing myself to the other people in the photograph. So, I figured if I'm going to learn how to swim, why not start in the deep end?

The sucky part about this is that it's not as scheduled like classes or something and I don't have someone else depending on me/doing it with me. Still, next year is my senior year and I want it to be the best yet. It probably won't be my favorite year class-wise, but I want to take it head-on and feeling confident. I want to save up some money this summer so that I can go out and buy a bunch of new clothes right before school starts, so we'll see where that goes.

I'm legitimately excited for this. I want to see how it turns out and if I can actually follow through with it.  Plus, who doesn't want to look like Jillian Michaels? She's a total badass. ;)

I'll probably be posting a lot more over the next 30 days with my progress and such. Stay tuned--if it really works, maybe I'll even be confident enough to post pictures!

<3
Bri