I am always amazed by how quickly things can change (things meaning events, moods, life in general) and this weekend has been no exception. Thankfully, this has been a change for the better.
I had a bit of a rough week last week with things like slipping back into some negative patterns but, like anything, there were some high points: I got my copy of The Prince of Tides back, worked out three times and began writing again (I definitely don't have a plot of any kind in mind...but it's nice to just write).
On Friday, I was having a horrible day. I'd gotten into a fight with an off/on friend (one that was about five months in process), had a few little things go wrong and was just feeling generally depressed by the time 1am rolled around. Last week, like I mentioned up there^^, I was also dealing with some of the icky, nasty, I hate myself/hate my body, blahblahblah grossness and on Friday it all just coalesced into a complete breakdown.
My emotions were churning, tears were flowing and I was exhausted to the point of collapsing. I was in that mood where I needed to go to bed, but something in me just kept pushing, kept me from just shutting off my computer and heading off. I was talking to one of my best friends, Jamie (one thing you'll notice about me: I have at least 4 best friends at any given point in time. What can I say? I'm blessed with incredible friends. :)) and she made a very valid point, as I was in the middle of a big, 'ol, blubbery meltdown. She said: "Anyway, I'm proud of you. and tomorrow will be a new day. tomorrow will be better. go sleep."
It's hard to believe sometimes, no matter what you're trying to believe in. It can be hard to conjure up the faith to have confidence in whatever it is that you're trying to believe in. Right then, I was pretty sure she was crazy for claiming that the next day could possibly even be any better. Right then, I couldn't fathom any place outside of the nice little hole I'd dug for myself. Nevertheless, I took her advice and went to bed.
Saturday morning, I was up bright and early (I'm a total night owl, but it also depresses me to sleep in...I take a lot of naps. :D). We had a guy with a Bobcat come out (at around 7am...who knew that hour still showed up on the weekends?) and knock down the hedge of poison ivy, privet and dead trees that separated our backyard from our neighbors. I don't have any "before" pictures, unfortunately, but what does this image look like to you?:
I see a Carolina sky. I see fresh dirt, waiting for a garden/whatever goodies decide to make their home there. I see a fresh start.
This image definitely represents how I felt on Saturday. It was the internal calm after the storm. It was my fresh start.
Later that day, two more of my best friends, Amanda and Melinda, and I all went prom dress shopping, also with Melinda's mom, whom we all absolutely adore.
It was great to have a girls day out and while I think Melinda actually settled on a dress, Amanda and I just had fun dressing up. This was the first dress I really loved:
It's an absolutely beautiful dress, but I think it's staying at that store. (:
Nevertheless, I felt incredible in it, which was such a 180 from the night before.
We visited a few more stores and then spent easily an hour and a half at Dillard's trying on the most ridiculous dresses. It was great to just have a good time together. We've all been friends, sometimes intermittently, since freshman year (Amanda and I have known each other since preschool and she and Melinda met in middle school, but freshman year was the entrance of "BAM") and hanging out together felt like old times. What more could I ask for? The last hurrah for the day was when we found this dress:
I felt like an absolute princess in it and the three of us actually spent a few minutes sniffing back tears. (There were other people in the dressing rooms and I'm sure it was quite the sight to see a girl in a wedding dress jumping around going "I'm going to cry!" ;)).
After our expedition, we came back to my house, shared pictures and stories from the day with my parents and little sister, made pizza and then headed out to Walmart. (Well, our trip started at Bi-Lo...then became IGA and we finally ended up at Walmart.)
We were absolute nuts and I don't remember the last time I've laughed so hard. When we finally came back to my house, bearing sparkling grape soda and flowers for my mama, I was completely happy. The three of us crashed on my foldout couch and fell asleep to Across the Universe.
It was almost funny, in a not quite way, waking up on Sunday morning and realizing how far from Friday it was--absolute opposite ends of the spectrum. It breaks my heart to hear about suicide victims because if one day could have completely changed me like it did this weekend, who knows when their one day would have been?
I'm a big believer in the "fake it 'til you make it" sentiment (which is where the title come into play) and this weekend was definitely a lesson in the whole "if you can't fake it, just keep your head up" idea. I don't think I have a profound lesson/story/idea/whatever this post, I just wanted to share my experiences and reflect on how important it is to just keep smiling.
Tomorrow will be better.